Nonviolent Communication

After attending a workshop last month in Los Angeles
at the Center for Nonviolent Education and Parenting
given by the founder and director Ruth Beaglehole, it
became quite apparent to me that most childcare
providers along with most parents are completely
unaware of this amazing method and positive approach
to child rearing. I, myself, was embarrassed to see
that so many of the old and unfavorable practices that
I acquired from my own parents have been used by me on
my own children. When I was first introduced to the
idea of visiting the center, my thoughts instantly
reverted that this would be a place where one goes to
stop physical violence; yet, I quickly learned that
there are many ways where violence is communicated not
just through physical means but through a vocabulary
of feelings and needs, between observation and
evaluation and between requests and demands, and the
role of power and punishment.

So why is this notion of "nonviolent communication" so
important as it relates to child development?
According to Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg author of
"Nonviolent Communication - A Language of Life" (a
book I highly recommend for everyone to read), "NVC
helps us connect with each other and ourselves in a
way that allows our natural compassion to flourish.
NVC fosters deep listening, respect and empathy and
engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart."

There are many ways we communicate to children that
can be damaging to their self-esteem and development.
If we begin with the concept of "observation vs.
evaluation" consider the way we constantly observe
people and their actions with the use of moralistic
judgments that imply wrongdoing and badness because
these are not in harmony with our values. We often
attempt to motivate our children through insults and
criticism and by guilt and shame. For example: What
if your child is having difficulty with mathematics
and he answers a problem with the wrong answer. The
first reaction would be to say something critical as
in "how could you possible make such a silly mistake."
Instead, the better response would be "I'm confused
at how you came up with that answer. Could you show me
how you got that?" You have now made an evaluation
that will help this child get to the right answer
instead of instantly providing him with an observation
that only made him feel bad.

Punishment is another form of violence that never
works. People are often led to something with the use
or threat of punishment. The reason we know this
doesn't work is because of two questions: what do you
want the outcome to be and what do you want the
person's reasons to be for doing as we request? If a
person is doing something you want out of fear or as a
result of punishment then you have not achieved
anything because the desire to do what you wanted has
not come naturally from within. Instead, the action
comes about through force and fear.

Guilt is another form of violence, but in order to be
successful at it, you need to convince people into
believing that they can create your feelings. For
example: "It really hurts me when you don't get your
work done." The guilt trip you have just laid on this
person is played when they believe they are the cause
of your suffering.

Shame is another form of violence: any attempt to use
labels to make one feel bad about their actions. For
example: You call a child "lazy" in an attempt to make
them feel bad about not completing their chores. This
doesn't accomplish anything other than perhaps having
the child grow up thinking that he/she must be lazy
since doing the housework is something they struggle
to do.

The basic vocabulary of nonviolent communication is
feelings and needs. The idea that both Dr. Rosenberg
and Ms. Beaglehole want to instill is that if you can
speak to feelings and needs, then it's easier for
other people to see our humanness. When we are living
the nonviolent communication, all we can see is the
feelings and needs of others. The trick is to put our
own needs and feelings aside so that we can have a
better understanding, communication and overall
relationship with others and particularly with our
children while teaching them how to communicate in
nonviolent ways.